Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Here ya go, Kat {Peer Editing}

One warm night in the middle of June 2002, I was sitting outside on the porch in front of my house in Dolton, IL with my mother. It was quite nice outside, many stars visible, although the street lights inhibited the visibility of some of them. It was quite, calm, and peaceful. The neighborhood in which I lived was partially small, therefore everyone knew everyone else. All my neighbors were quite friendly, especially those who lived next door. My neighbors to the right had a dog named Diamond, with whom I remember playing very often. The neighborhood was all one big family in which I felt safe and content.

My mother and I were simply looking up at the stars when she broke the silence with something that broke my heart; we were moving to some place called "South Holland"! My world crumbled at that very moment. I was worried about leaving the world I knew and loved. I was never good at adjusting to changes, and I just knew that this would be a change for the worse. I began to cry and plead with my mother for us to stay where we were. I was happy there and already had all my friends and neighbors, and I absolutely refused to leave them. But it ultimately was not my decision. We had to move because my mother re-married and her husband had 3 other kids; our house would not accommodate them all. I was crushed. We spent some time looking for a house, each of which I told my mother I hated. So she decided to choose one without it fitting my approval.

About a month later, three trucks pulled up into my driveway to take our things to the storage. I had accepted the fact that I was moving by this point, so they had few complaints out of me past that time. We moved in, and honestly I had begun to like the house; I was getting used to it. The rest of the summer passed quickly, but I kept in touch with all my old friends from my old school and neighborhood. In August it was time for school; I was a nervous wreck. The name of the school was McKinley Elementary School. I was afraid to attend because I had no clue how the students would like me. Everyone probably already had their group of friends and didn't have room for a new addition. I feared that I would be lonely, with no one to talk to.

Well I finally got to the school, and it was not at all what I had expected. The teachers and students alike were exceptionally friendly and helpful with getting me acquainted with the school and making me feel welcome. I quickly made many friends and had a great school year. I also made many friends in my neighborhood. The change was for the better.

2 comments:

  1. Well, don't forget to spell out the number 3, place a comma after so in the 2 paragraph, last sentence, take 1st "t" out of the word tinto, change the whole storage thing, change into "heard few complaints from me", change to "accustomed to my new house", change passed quickly to "flew by me", place comma after old friends, after in august place a comma, change to "i had no clue what reactions i would receive from the students currently attending that school", don't use contractions in your paper, put comma after well (the beginning sentence of the last paragraph), take had out of that same sentence, put "y" instead of a "u" after quickly, and make your last sentence more powerful. Also, make your closing paragraph stronger.

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  2. Kat are you serious????? I mean how many errors can you mention in one message? (shake my head. But for you Kymber, I skimmed through but I thought it was fairly decent, try to use stronger metaphors, if that is what i think it is. Like at the part when you said my world crumbled, think of the fact that people use that metaphor quite often, you should have tried saying " the sphere in which i learn to inhabit disintegrated before me", i think it would make your paper stronger and more of the writing style in which Hawthorne wrote. even though Kat had alot to say, don't ignore, she had great points. :-)

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